I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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