god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Randomize
