I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
