I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
