When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
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