I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
