I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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