i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
