i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
