Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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