even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I could fuck to npr.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
