DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Sorry about my life...
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
