Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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