no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
foreskin is a definite game changer
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
