Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
