I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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