my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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