I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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