I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
