We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
