im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
