My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
