Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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