I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
