I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
