just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
