hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
