i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
