just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
