so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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