Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
