1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
