I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
