Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
