Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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