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I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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