I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
