FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize
