Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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