do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I love you. Go after that dick
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
