I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
