do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
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