You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
