I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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