I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
