I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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