got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
