There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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