he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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