I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
